We are the most impassioned, ugly people.

copy. paste.

2007-08-16T23:29:45Z

my day just got royally fucked up.

basically, to sum it all up:

i am negative $170 in my account the day before i'm supposed to go look at an apartment and put a deposit down on it. i'm usually good with keeping up on what i'm spending, but i had lost the sheet i had figured it all out on for this month.. so i went to the atm and it said i had somewhere around $35 left, and i went and bought lunch and a few other small purchases not going over my limit. but as it turns out, a check i had previously written out for bills was cashed earlier that morning and never showed up on my balance until it was too late.

so i'm probably not going to be able to come up with the money i lost in the next few days, and my potential roommates need to find a place whether it's with me or not because they have responsibilities here in the city and can't jeopardize not living here. and i'm already in debt, so i can't be borrowing any money.. i'm seriously contemplating selling my laptop.. or maybe my camera. i think i'd want to die if i did, though. but otherwise, i'm going to be homeless.

AND AS IF IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE
i called my mom, bawling my eyes out, asking if she had found anything out about my taxes that i still have not received (there are certain reasons for this though, it wasn't something i didn't plan on.. well, i definitely didn't plan on waiting this long, but you get the point) because she had done them for me, or if there was something i could do to get in touch with someone about it.. and she had to break the news to me that she had found a number to call, only to end up with an automated voice service where she put in my social and it came back saying that under their records.. there were no taxes filed for 2006 from this social number.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK MONEY RUINS PEOPLE'S LIVESSSSS

i guess there's something that can be done about the tax money, which is comforting because all of that money goes towards paying back debt to friends who i am totally not being a good friend to back. but it just means that nothing will be done with it by the end of the month, and who know's when i'll see it' i've already waited this long..

if you see me on a corner somewhere,
don't stop and say hi.

i'll most likely be working the streets.

t i m e

2007-08-13T21:15:36Z

My life is one big crazy mess. NOTE: the last 6 months of my life, especially.

And I'm learning to love and appreciate every minute of it.

mildly amusing

2007-08-06T21:39:03Z

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

very on point..
Jenny --
[adjective]:

Benevolent to a fault

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

You are Amelia Earhart

Adventurous and boundary breaking. You believe that you can do anything, and do not hesitate to take risks to achieve a big goal. You like to problem solve, when a problem comes up.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

okay, i'm done with the boring quiz's.
i was going to write something, but my head's to cloudy to right now.

maybe later?

RE: new(old) attitude

2007-08-03T16:55:07Z

Starting today, I'm forgetting all this bullshit. I've lost myself, and that is my greatest fear. I'm taking back what's mine; my time, my feelings, my sanity. I've been through worse, I can handle this. I don't know why this has got such a hold on me.. STILL. I just need to write this letter, get it all out, and move on (just move on ..gah I love aes rock). Instead of laying in bed all day I need to get out and distract myself. Granted, being sick doesn't help. But MENTALITY AFFECTS WELL-BEING. Which is something people forget all too often. If you think about negative things, you're going to feel negative. If you think you're not taking care of yourself, you're most likely not taking care of yourself. If you think about getting sick, you're more likely to get sick than not. IF YOU STRESS ABOUT SHIT, YOU'RE LIFE IS GOING TO BE MORE STRESSFUL.

I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm done.

I want to be me again; happy, positive, productive.
Today is the day. And boooyyy does it feel good.

p.s. ATTN: HEATHER HORRIBLE
Since I can't comment on any of your latest posts, I just figured I'd have to designate a part of this post to you.
JUST THE SAME WAY YOU DON'T LIKE TO SEE ME DOWN, I HATE HATE HATE SEEING YOU DOWN. YOU DESERVE BETTER FROM LIFE. I KNOW THERE ARE DAYS WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE JUST GIVING UP, IT'S REALLY EASY TO GET LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW I KNOW THIS. BUT JUST AS I SAID, THAT IS THE EASY WAY OUT. YOU ARE A STRONG GIRL WHETHER YOU THINK SO OR NOT. DON'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS. STAND UP TO THEM, AND DO IT WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. BECAUSE NOTHING IN THIS LIFE IS WORTH GIVING UP ON THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. AND YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF THOSE PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE! AND THAT IS WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT. IF ONLY EVERYONE COULD BE AS LUCKY AS US.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.

ATTN:

2007-08-02T03:15:26Z

THIS LITTLE BUGGER IS THE ONLY OTHER GUY I'LL EVER NEED IN MY LIFE (besides gatsby)

He is the best little brother anyone could ever have, and it's so weird to think that he's not so little anymore.
See that baby in that picture.. he's now 19 and in college.

Man, time flies.
But where does it all go?

Look at us now.. haha he's holding me!

Bruno457: i miss you so fuckin much
jenny vs life: you have no idea chris

I love him with all of my heart.

capgunsuicide @ 2007-07-28T20:19:00

2007-07-29T00:25:29Z

I think it's funny when people like to pretend they're something they're not. Or better yet, complain about something they, themselves, do more often than not.

If you're going to say something bold,
you better make sure you fucking listen to yourself.

appreciation.

2007-07-27T05:29:03Z

~~I just don't understand what it is about me that is not worth loving.~~ After reading that back to myself, I realized that sounds a bit cocky. Let me rephrase. I just don't understand why I'm hardly ever given a chance. I do complain a lot, I know that's a flaw in my personality. But besides that, I am mostly a happy, productive, and grateful human being. I try my best to find the positive in everything, since I'm done wasting my time thinking there's nothing more to life than just living. I put my friends and family before anyone or anything in my life. I'm constantly working towards and devoting myself to making this world a better place. I'd like to think that I go above and beyond in almost everything I do to make just one person's day a little brighter. And I generally care about everyone else's feelings more than I care for my own.

So what's the deal?

*I'm not worth giving your time to? You can tell me you missed me, and that the things I do mean a lot to you.. you're so willing to take everything I'm offering you, yet not willing to even consider how I might feel when you blow me off. I feel shoved aside, I feel neglected. Clearly I am not a priority to you.. even though the whole time you were gone I thought about you everyday, even though when you called me because you were sick I spent the rest of the day making phone calls trying to find out how you could get cheap health care and worrying about you, even though I put my feelings aside when asked how I felt about what was to come because I knew this was important to you and what made you happy. All I wanted was a little bit of your time.. apparently I don't even deserve that.
(clearly this is about something very personal and not directed at anyone who would read this, this is to one person and one person only.)

*Relationships aside, I feel this way when it comes to my friends. Sure, I've got a handful of 'best friends' who mean more to me than anything. But despite my efforts to make phone calls, send messages, or leave comments.. hardly any of it is reciprocated. I don't feel love back from hardly anyone I know, including people who say "I love you" to me on a regular basis. Love is a word that is tossed around so meaninglessly these days. If you loved me, you'd probably call me when you say you're going to, or get back to me when you know I'm upset and needing a shoulder to lean on. The only two people who have even taken the time out of their day to listen to me over the last week have been Nana from work and, surprisingly, Bobby. Pretty much the last two people I would have expected to be there for me. Conversations they've had with me, either about how I've been upset or otherwise, have really meant a lot to me and have been on something more than a surface level. They were more than just casual, "Aw, are you okay?" and the facade of being concerned. No one takes the time to genuinely sit and listen to what anyone has to say anymore.

And here, I lost my train of thought.

Point: I wish I had more relationships in my life that thrive off deeper roots.

It was recently described to me in a better way possible than I could ever explain how
my brain/thought process happens.
"The way I look at it, you're brain is like this big.."
(spreads arms as wide as they can go while still making a circle)
"and all your thoughts are being filtered through your mouth, which is this tiny hole right here."
(makes a hole the size of a quarter)

Couldn't be more accurate. I have a million and one things going through my head about anything imaginable, and I don't know how to get it all out. When I speak, I talk so fast.. so fast to the point where I've been stopped and asked to breathe. I figured writing my thoughts down would help, but this is a prime example of where it can be tricky. I go off on a writing rampage in which my thoughts flow through my fingertips and I don't stop to think what I'm actually writing. And when I do, to correct spelling or what have you, I can't get back into that flow. I forget what I was even getting at. Which I've also been notorious for.

UGHH EVERYTHING NEEDS TO CHANGE.

capgunsuicide @ 2007-07-17T02:43:00

2007-07-17T06:44:34Z

I miss my bubz.

lights out

2007-07-13T04:50:37Z

All I really want right now, is a place to call my own. A space, no matter how big or small, that I can put all my shit in and it would be all mine. I want to start over, throw out almost everything, I want to not have anyone else to worry about, and I want to lead a simple laid-back life.

I want a place where I can fall asleep on the toilet.

Or somewhere I can walk around naked.

I want to paint on the walls, I want to coordinate everything.

A fortune cookie once told me:
"Your life gains the stability you desire."

I've been so anxious about life.. everything. I want time to speed up so that everything will already be in place. Although, I don't want to miss out on anything, or time to be wasted. I just want to grow up(not really, but) I want to get settled. I just need my motivation back, I need to clean things up, and I need to stay focused. That's my problem, I'm not focused enough. I have so many things going on all at once, I can't keep up with them, nevermind concentrate on them. I FEEL LIKE A GIANT WALKING CONTRADICTION. I wrote this the other day, it proves that theory:

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH MYSELF.

I WANT TO RUN. I WANT TO RIDE.
I WANT TO SLEEP. I WANT TO REACH ANOTHER STATE OF MIND.
I WANT TO HATE. I WANT TO HIDE.
I WANT TO LOVE. I WANT TO CUT OUT MY EYES AND GO BLIND.

I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT NOTHING.

Ugh, woe is me.

finally

2007-07-07T06:04:19Z

My ears are gaged to a half inch! I've been trying for so long, and as you can imagine I'm ecstatic to over come this obstacle! Now if only they'd stop stinging.. haha

I'm half way to my goal!!

letters from mom

2007-07-05T23:12:20Z

I don't even know what to do with myself right now.. my head is a goddamn mess.

a. I can't wait until September, for my own personal reasons.

b. I feel like such a horrible person for things none of you will probably ever know.

c. I wish I could go back in time.

Someone please come over and lay in my bed with me and listen to my problems and then tell me what to do. That's what I need, someone to tell me what to do right now. I've never liked it when people give me orders, I certainly hated my mother for a good part of my life for it. But right now I could use a lesson or two, someone to give me some guidance or even slap my wrists and shake their finger at me.

I'm usually such a mature, happy, and capable person.
What's happened to me??

i hate to say it

2007-07-04T06:04:04Z

And it may sound a little pathetic, but I really miss my old man. I can't wait to see his smiling face when he's back for a break in his summer tour. I'm so happy he's out there doing his thing, and having the time of his life. And I'm busy too, maybe not having the time of my life.. yet. But I've got a lot going for me. It would just be great to hug him and sit in the park or by the river like we always do. I know it hasn't been that long since I met him, or even since he's left for that matter. But I feel as though time is of no importance when it comes to feelings and connections. A week can feel like a year, or a day can feel like an hour.

I wish I had known him forever ago.
Before he was a busy man, out there chasing stars.

where i belong

2007-05-17T20:27:49Z

I finally feel it.. I feel like I've found home. This has brought everyone together, inside and out. I feel like I have friends, I feel like I have a family. I'm starting to be able to find positivity in just about everything here.. when months ago, all I wanted to do was leave.

Ashley and I are most likely pushing the date to leave back til the summer of '08. I can't say that I'm not happy about it. I'm still planning on bailing MA as soon as I can. But this summer is going to be awesome (I can feel it) and not to mention it gives us more time to save. I just don't want to leave right away, now that I've found home.

I walked all the way home last night, with a smile on my face.
Saying "I'm walking home right now."

this is it

2007-05-11T14:24:39Z

Today is the day..

I don't think anyone is ready for this.

you know

2007-05-08T06:38:54Z

It's really too bad that it takes situations like this to bring people together, or to bring awareness to situations. But all in all, I'm glad there are people who appreciate that in order to not let this all happen for nothing, we need to focus on the positive that is coming from it.

I had a really awesome night tonight. All of my roommates (with the exception of Eric), Bobby, my brother and I went to Goodtimes and played video games and ate pizza then played pool for an hour. It was so awesome having us all together. I can't remember the last time we all went out and actually did something together. There were a lot of hugs, a lot of joking around, and overall.. a lot of love. You could just feel it. I love my roommates, and I feel as though we're almost a family. We live, we fight, we mourn with and above all, when it comes down to it we really care about each other.

Cassie and I had a nice talk tonight.. it made me feel a lot better about things. I've felt as though because I wasn't as close with Kelly as just about everyone else I know was, I don't have a right to be as upset as I've actually been about it. I've felt ridiculous, I've felt pathetic, and I really didn't know who to talk to about all of it. But after tonight I know that I have people to talk to, that won't think any differently about me or look at me as if I don't have a right to feel what I'm feeling based on the time frame that I knew her. It's nice to know that I have people in my life that won't judge me, people that are really there for me. I wish everyone was as lucky as I am.

Heather, Bobby and I had a long talk tonight as well. We've decided we're going to be trying to organize a few things in honor of Kelly. We've got a few ideas so far, we're trying to find a way to put them all together. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas, any and all of them are welcome. This is basically going to be our way of turning something so tragic into something positive, something for both us and for her.

Life is too precious.
Please don't waste it.

two is two too many

2007-05-06T18:55:39Z

Yet again, another life is lost to the streets. It's fucked up how people don't care enough to use caution when driving, especially in a city full of bike riders. We live in such a fast paced world, where people only care about getting to where they want to get or doing whatever it is they want to do. Compassion is lacking. But if you don't pay attention.. life can just pass you by. And in a blink of an eye, you'll be gone. You really can't leave it up to anyone else, your life is in your hands.

I've decided I'm not fixing my bike.
My feet are my new transportation.

oh my head

2007-05-05T20:28:14Z

How come I'm always so indecisive? I can never make up my mind, I can never settle for one thing. And once I find something I like, I start to feel differently about it. I especially hate it when it involves other people and their feeling's.

Ugh, and even right there.. that doesn't make any sense. I do know what I want, in the long run. But in the moment, I have a hard time figuring out if what I choose to do at that time will be the right choice or the wrong, in order to work towards my ultimate goal. Do I do what makes me happy right now, and figure out the rest when the time comes to leave? Do I stop this before it gets too good, and therefore influences my decisions later on? How do I even know this will pose a problem later on, how do I know it won't??

I'm a wreck, and not suitable for any of this.

earthy trash

2007-05-01T02:04:24Z

Since I had gone to the rally yesterday, and I was aware that there were a lot of pictures taken from it, I decided to try and find every paper I could get for free to check them out. I got the Globe, the Dig, the Met, and some Boston Now paper I had never heard of. Only two (the Globe & Metro) had something in it about Sunday's events. The Globe didn't even write an article, surprisingly the Met did. Either way, the point I was trying to make was that both featured a picture that was taken during the "die-in" part, when everyone laid down to signify all the lives lost in Sudan and stayed silent for five minutes. But the picture didn't focus on that aspect of it.. In the middle, there is this fucking girl who was standing up holding her fingers up in the form of a peace sign. Well, this is great and all.. yeah, you want peace and I guess that means you are a big fan of love, too. Really glad you were there to show your support. But you TOTALLY took away the focus of what the day was all about. Instead of following along like everyone else to make a point, you had to be, literally, the center of attention. Way to distract the photographers away from the hundreds of people laying on the ground in white to ACTUALLY signify peace, over your selfish reasoning to make it look as though you're making a point for publicity. Bravo, idiot.

I'm really excited for tomorrow!

global days for darfur

2007-04-30T02:30:51Z

One of the most moving, inspirational, exciting things I've ever taken part in. And I was so lucky to share it with one of the best people I know.

I'm really enjoying getting more involved.

off/on

2007-04-24T03:12:38Z

The late night cool breezes make it officially summer to me; I was sitting here in my newly arranged room, and felt the breeze and breathed in the aroma, that smell.. you know the one, where you can tell it had been a warm muggy day.. Yeah, that smell. You think about how thankful you are for turning in for the night, retreated from the blazing sun that sent rays beating down on you all day. I've missed the sound of my buzzing fan, and the feeling of laying in my nice, cool cotton sheets.. no blanket on to keep you warm, free and relaxed.

I couldn't be any more ready for you, summer.

fitting in.

2007-04-11T17:29:36Z

Last night, on my way back from the hills, I realized.. I am that guy(girl). The one you always see running everywhere, in normal clothes, for no apparent reason. Just bolting down sidewalks or on the edge of the street; trying to get somewhere fast. There was this really old man back home who we all thought was crazy, for many reasons. He always had the same clothes on, he hardly talked to anyone, he would wear a heavy coat no matter what the weather was like, and he would run sporadically all over the place. You'd see him walking then in a blink of an eye he'd take off. And I guess it never made much sense to us, because we never knew what his motives were for running. He just looked crazy. So I assume, that's how I look to other people. I do it all the time; last night I started off walking down my street but then got cold and wanted to get home faster, so I took off running. That time I had a reason. But sometimes, I'll be walking to work or wherever and I'll just start running because I feel like it. I'll run a couple of blocks, then slow down and begin, again, a nice pace of walking. Then randomly pick it up again a block later.

I am that crazy, lonely old man.

capgunsuicide @ 2007-04-06T20:07:00

2007-04-07T00:08:11Z

You really are here one minute, then gone the next.

spring cleaning

2007-04-05T03:21:07Z

My life always tends to end up back the way it started, cluttered and a mess. Maybe the people involved are different, and the things I actively take part in (be it a job, a hobby, or art, etc.) may be different. But the concept is always the same. I consistently go through phases like this; I get anxious and ambitious to clean out my life and simplify. Both physically and mentally. I've been having this urge to throw everything out, remove people or issues that cause distress. I want to have more energy to keep up with my motivation and ideas. I'd love to allow myself more time, to be able to take my time and not always be so rushed. (I feel like rushing subsequently causes things such as a walk to work, or reading a book, or even drawing or painting something to lose quality or appreciation.) Instead of nonsense and hodgepodge, I want to surround myself (again, both physically and mentally) with art and worldly issues, reading and writing, and inspiration to keep me focused and distracted, all at the same time. I just need a fresh start, a new start.. again, for the gazillionth time.

SIMPLICITY IS KEY.
Hopefully this time, my life will remain simple.

yeah yeah yeah

2007-04-04T01:02:52Z

I've always had a hard time balancing work and a social life. I don't work really long hours, but since I work just about everyday I'm slowly fading. When I'm home all I want to do is curl up with Gatsberrrs and sleep. I suppose I just need to get myself on a sort of schedule. I shouldn't sleep too little because then this is what happens. And I also shouldn't sleep too often because then I'm always lethargic. I need to find that happy medium between work, friends, and sleep.

Mmm yes, happy medium.

post script: i hope you die.

2007-04-03T04:14:02Z

This is a letter I wrote to the IAMs company after watching this video.
If you buy IAMs products for your pets, I highly suggest you watch it.

Dear whomever,

I always bought IAMS for my cat Gatsby, ever since he was able to leave his mother and I brought him home with me. I trusted this company because I knew that they brought wholesome and nutritious food for pets to the public, and surpassed the quality of many other brands. But in no way, shape, or form does that make up for the way you treat the animals in your care.

You portray your company as one that loves and genuinely cares about animals and their health. Nothing in that video suggests that you practice that on a daily basis. Either your image is all a facade and every last one of you is a hypocrite, or none of you are living up to your values and seriously need to step it up.

Take a look at that video; watch it, I dare you. Or maybe you don't need to because you see it on an every day basis and choose to ignore it. Those animals that you test on are living, breathing creatures with real feelings. ALL ANIMALS ARE. Put yourself in their shoes. Towards the middle of that video it shows footage of dogs in cages, practically screaming because they are miserable and lonely. That really struck a chord in me, it gave me the chills. I thought about what it would be like if that was Gatsby, or even myself. And all I wanted was someone to take care of me, to see the outside and daylight, to have something even remotely comfortable to lay on. And I screamed and screamed, but no one cared at all. What a horrible and miserable way to live life.

In all honesty, you should be the one laying in that cage.

I can almost bet that in the grand scheme of things, my letter won't mean anything to you. If it's even read. And I could sit here and keep going on and on about my feelings towards this issue. But you still won't change a thing. Or maybe it will make a difference, who knows. But all I can ask, is that you just take a minute to stop and JUST THINK about what I've said. THINK about the dogs and cats that suffer, just so you can have a dollar in your pocket. Have you really lost your value of life? In a world that is so caught up in money, and being the biggest and best thing out there.. our most important morals and values are forgotten. You are a company that has devoted your time to making quality products for pets. What good is the quality of food, when the quality of life is lost?

Sincerely upset,
Jennifer Bruno